Waking into Loneliness

We were in the living room, sitting at opposite sides of a rectangular table. "Home was alright," she said, "I just wasn't used to the fact that I couldn't visit her anymore. She left so suddenly." "Such is the solitude of life. People come and go, whether we like it or not. Takes time to get used to it, but if there's anything, I'll be here" I assured her. We sat in silence, looking at the table, deep in our thoughts. Then I looked at her, and admired how attractive she was, one of the prettiest friends that I have, but never thought she was really right for me. She looked back with her prominently bright eyes, and held her gaze for as long as I held mine, which was broken when she stood up and walked around the table to sit on the chair next to me and then continued gazing.

She leaned over in a smooth motion and gently pushed her lips against mine. I was a little surprised, but showed none of it because of both the warmth of the kiss and the warmth I felt within. I miss this feeling, the feeling of eternal comfort and security, the feeling of letting down all my boundaries and living the moment of complete contentment. She drew her head back slowly, continuing her gaze from just now. "I never knew you felt this way" I said. She shrugged and replied, " I didn't know too." We wrapped out arms around each other, feeling the moment of uninterrupted and undisturbed joy, free of all sorrows, free of all pain...

The noise of the wind made me open my eyes. It blew hard against the window above my bed. I saw the floor of my room, clothes and papers scattered all over. I turned and looked forward at the dull white ceiling. Empty silence, empty sound of the wind. Empty heart. Damned wind, it was a good dream. The short lived feeling of eternal happiness thrown out like throwing water from a bucket. I sat upwards and couldn't help but think, "Was that a sign?" Nah, I've had such dreams before. They never mean anything, just the effect of my mind organizing memory. I took one as "sign" once. Turned me into an emotional jelly.

I sat there and thought of all the girls I know, and how I have been longing to connect with someone at a deeper level, but haven't dared to. Most of them are nice people, but most of them don't seem to be right for me. Perhaps i'm just being too choosy. Bringing a relationship to another level isn't just about hugs and kisses and having someone in my arms, it's way more than that, which might justify my choosiness. Airy-fairy feelings that we get from being close to someone is pleasant, but won't last for long. Sigh... many times, I wish it isn't so. But it is. So I continue to restrain myself to this emptiness, this lonliness, til I find the right person...